Hard Choices

cantregrethardchoices

Hi there friends.  It’s been a while.

It has been a hard, hard road these last few months.  I made some big, weird decisions in my personal life – the kind of decisions that are so hard for those of us with depression and deeply ingrained guilt reflexes.  Basically, I decided to choose my own well-being above anything else.  Anything.  My job, my parents, my financial security.  It seemed so selfish at the time.

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An Excellent Explanation of Narcissistic Disturbance.

If you’re familiar with Alice Miller’s work on emotionally abused children, or if you yourself suspect that you may be dealing with the adult symptoms of emotional/verbal/physical child abuse, you’ll appreciate the video below.  It starts off a little slow, but stick with it.

This is an excellent, simple explanation of what Alice Miller referred to in The Drama of the Gifted Child as the consequences of an early narcissistic disturbance in the developing child.  Listen to what he mentions at the beginning of the video:  Unexplained feelings of inadequacy, shame, being drawn to people who are more concerned with themselves than with you – these are all the adult symptoms of an emotionally traumatic childhood.

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Arkham Asylum: Fun times, unless you’ve actually been there.

I’m a big old Batman fan, and  I’ve been watching a lot of Gotham lately.  Even though the writing is, well, sub-par…if it involves characters in Gotham City, then for some reason I can’t rip my eyes away.  Except for the Arkham Asylum scenes.

GOTHAM: James Gordon (Ben McKenzie, R) accompanies a patient to the infirmary with Nurse Dorothy Duncan (guest star Allyce Beasley, L) in the "Rogues' Gallery" episode of GOTHAM airing Monday, Jan. 5 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. ©2014 Fox Broadcasting Co. Cr: Jessica Miglio/FOX
I love you, Jim.  But please stop making mental illness into a humorous sideline.   ©2014 Fox Broadcasting Co. Cr: Jessica Miglio/FOX

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Mental Health and Social Media

Now, usually, I like my blogging to be a bit more refined than this.  But this is going to be a rant.  Because I’m fucking pissed off.

I am sick to fucking death of scrolling Facebook or Instagram and seeing those disgustingly ideal moments of everyone’s lives.  Wedding pictures in sepia and “candid” shots of toddlers in perfect, unstained Sunday dresses with bows in their hair.  Happy married couples my age – people I know – taking big smiling selfies out at the ballgame or their anniversary dinner.  Every single post is just one instant in a million, but it’s done up with enough eyeliner and contour and filtering to make you actually believe, for a moment, that their life really is perfect, and that in comparison yours is a filthy shambles.

Well, fuck that.

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Today

I’m sitting here trying to come up with reasons not to die.  I don’t have any yet, but at least I finally verbalized how I feel, and I wanted to share.  If anyone understands this, I figure, it will be you.

Life feels as though I once spent a moment or two in a field, smelling flowers on the breeze, feeling sunshine on my skin, and hearing birds sing.  But now and ever since, I’m permanently relegated to a closed room with a small window.  I can see the field, I can appreciate it even, sometimes, but I can’t feel it.  After a while, I’ve forgotten how the flowers smell or what birdsong sounds like, and just looking at a flower or bird is aggravating instead of uplifting.  I’d rather nuke the entire field than have to keep sitting here, staring at it.

That’s how I feel, all the time, every day, every hour.